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English: Morning mist on Lake Mapourika, New Z...

English: Morning mist on Lake Mapourika, New Zealand. Français : Brume du matin sur le lac Mapourika, en Nouvelle-Zélande. Deutsch: Nebel bei Lake Mapourika in Neuseeland. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So, I’m in introvert. So what? Is that a big deal?To me it’s not a bid deal that I’m an introvert. It has felt like it’s a big deal to our society, the society that claims to value individuality and yet seeks to define normal for us all.

Different but Wrong

Just take a look at the subheading of a book about being an introvert, “How to Thrive in an Extrovert Society.” The implication is that it takes a handbook for an introvert to “thrive” in our society. (The main title, by the way, is “The Introvert Advantage” by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy. D.) So, as I said, to be in an introvert is not in itself remarkable. But in our society, it’s important, a Big Deal, to first know if you’re an introvert and then to know that you are not a freak – but you may be one of only a few to appreciate your innate attributes. A society where being an extrovert is considered the norm will not necessarily understand that introverts have attributes, much less appreciate them and seek them out as valuable.

That has been my experience, as I wrote in a previous post. But life is a trip, and it’s been interesting to go through the process of learning about myself from a standpoint of, “Hey, I have qualities yet to be appreciated?” and then learning how to let them out into the world. As a Psychology Today article by Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D, points out, it’s very typical to internalize beliefs about introversion, but those beliefs are often damaging and not fact-based.

“Unfortunately, most of what you read about in the popular press portrays the negative qualities of introversion. Some people incorrectly compare introversion to social anxiety disorder (social phobia). They are not the same.”

Letting Me Out

One common belief about introverts is that we don’t like to socialize. Well, I do. But it took some self-discovery reflection to appreciate that just because I don’t want to walk into a crowd of strangers and be expected to be gregarious doesn’t mean I want to sit home alone all the time. There are ways in which I prefer to be in the world. There’s no getting around it, the self-discover step was key to being able to feel good about letting “me” out, the real me, and refraining from presenting what I believed others wanted to see. In other words, to express those positive attributes in the world in a comfortable and fun way I had to learn a few things and try on things to see how they fit. Here’s a list of some things I learned:

-Not every day and not every encounter is the same. I have to stay in touch with what’s going on inside me to see what I’m up for.

-Overall, I prefer small groups of people or one-on-one get-togethers over large groups of people milling around.

-I can do large groups, I can even speak in front of large groups, but I need prepping and comfortable clothes. I have to acknowledge that the experience is going to be a tiring one from which I need to factor in recuperation with some solitude later.

-I may not find it enjoyable to cliff dive or ride rollercoasters, but that’s OK. In the same Psychology Today article, the author addresses the different needs for excitement in introverts.

“Psychologists have long known that people vary in the need to be stimulated as well as the desire to take risks. If you’re low on the excitement seeking facet, you’ll probably never go bungee jumping or become a race car driver. You seek peace and quiet and are perfectly happy with keeping to your daily routines.”

I’m still developing my list of pleasure-seeking activities, but it includes lovely things I can immerse my senses in and savor with intensity. That’s this introvert’s way of feeling alive, and it’s delicious.

Self-Acceptance

For me, it hasn’t been nearly as important, if it’s important at all, to convince the world that some commonly held, negative beliefs about introverts aren’t true. It’s ecstatically important that I understand that I’m not boring, I’m not too difficult to be around and I’m not inept. These are just misconceptions and they are among the misconceptions many introverts have internalized. Author Brian Kim lists a few misconceptions on his website and suggests that introverts, and extroverts, take a look at personality through a different lens.

“The qualities and characteristics of introverts are often held in a negative light in today’s world, so it’s only natural that the majority of people seem to think that there’s something wrong with them. The reason why the majority of people think that there’s something wrong with introverts is because the majority of people aren’t very knowledgeable when it comes to introverts, in terms of why they are the way they are and why they do the things they do.”

It’s natural to care what people think, but for living as an introvert who is mostly content and not tortured, the challenge is self-acceptance first. That’s a big deal.

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Simple emoticons of the five temperaments: San...

Simple emoticons of the five temperaments: Sanguine (top right), Choleric (bottom right), Melancholy (bottom left), and Phlegmatic (centre), with the new temperament Supine (top left) and Phlegmatic blends in between. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Be true to yourself. Define yourself.

Pretty straightforward advice from common, simple phrases that suggest how to live a satisfying life. But they’re not so simple to follow. You have to first know yourself, and pretty well, and accept yourself, and appreciate yourself before you can be true to yourself and not give others the authority to tell you you’re OK.

So what does all that have to do with being an introvert? In my experience, plenty.

Stories

We tend to define ourselves by our stories. We’re members of a family who are all musicians. We’re a member of a community in which we always go to the farmer’s market on Saturday morning. We socialize at a certain bar or church. Our experiences throughout our lives make up our stories. But sometimes the stories are confusing because our experiences growing up are uninformed. A child who is active may have the experience that tells him he is bad or he is likable. A child who doesn’t contribute much to a classroom discussion may have the experience that her quietness is appreciated or wrong. These are uninformed messages.

In our society, if you are born an extrovert your story will likely involve fitting the ideal. You are naturally how a person is “supposed” to be. You personify the attributes our society values: active in the outer world and interacting in groups. You get praised for your gregariousness. It may be an outright positive message that you’re fun, the person others want to be around. But it’s also simply prevalent in popular culture that being outgoing is the way to be happy.

Among the traits that differentiate extroversion from introversion is one that usually resonates with both types, and that is how each is energized. An extrovert gets energy by being out and about and is drained from solitude. An introvert gets drained from social activities and refuels with solitary pursuits.

Many people take the Myers and Briggs Type Indicator, a well-known personality type instrument based on concepts of Carl Jung, to help them gain understanding about themselves. The  Myers and Briggs Foundation gives an example of ways an extrovert would describe him or herself.

“I like getting my energy from active involvement in events and having a lot of different activities. I’m excited when I’m around people and I like to energize other people. I like moving into action and making things happen. I generally feel at home in the world. I often understand a problem better when I can talk out loud about it and hear what others have to say.”

On the same website, the statements given as examples of how an introvert might describe him or herself are interesting.

“I like getting my energy from dealing with the ideas, pictures, memories, and reactions that are inside my head, in my inner world. I often prefer doing things alone or with one or two people I feel comfortable with. I take time to reflect so that I have a clear idea of what I’ll be doing when I decide to act. Ideas are almost solid things for me. Sometimes I like the idea of something better than the real thing.”

Whether the statements are fully reflective of the personality type, they do offer a look at beliefs, at least, and of course, this type of person is possibly more difficult to get to know and does not necessarily fit comfortably in the various activities that are group oriented. They’re not dancing on tables at parties or drawing attention at a dinner party entertaining with a colorful story. So it’s understandable that if you are an introvert, your story is different from that of a typical extrovert. So different, in fact, that you may not feel like a person of value. It’s not an uncommon feeling for introverts, writes Dr. Marti Olsen Laney in her illuminating book, The Introvert Advantage.

“It’s no wonder people are defensive about introversion. We live in a culture that has a negative attitude about reflection and solitude. ‘Getting out there’ and ‘just doing it’ are the ideals.”

Discovery

Like many introverts, I learned on my own, completely by happenstance, that not only am I an introvert, there is nothing wrong with me. I don’t need to try to be an extrovert in order to thrive in the world. That revelation did not come in one grand “Aha!” moment. After living a life of trying to do all the things “everyone” does and “enjoys” doing – going out and mingling with crowds of loud, happy people; participating in networking activities; going to parties – and not succeeding at it in a natural, organic way, it took time to unlearn beliefs that did me no good. But I had input from helpful reading and helpful people on my way to understanding and acceptance of who I am.

The Quiet Minority

If you’ve ever felt like you’re too quiet, people are expecting you to do things you can’t do without a lot of effort and no one understand your reluctance to go out in to the world, you are not the sole person to feel so. If upon reflection and sharing something that truly interests you, you are once again told to get over yourself, you are my people. It is reported that we, the introverted ones, make up from 25% to 40 % of the population (which seems very unspecific. In article for The Atlantic, Jonathan Rauch wrote, “How many people are introverts? I performed exhaustive research on this question, in the form of a quick Google search. The answer: About 25 percent. Or: Just under half. Or—my favorite—”a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population.” Maybe some days people feel introverted and some days they don’t??) We contribute much to society and we like people, extroverts included. We must like ourselves, as we are, and make choices that support our nature. Be true to yourself. Define yourself.

I started this post with the question in the title, Why Blog About Being an Introvert? Well, I’m an introvert and I like to reflect on almost anything. One day recently I had the desire to be out in the world, but I sort of cringed at the idea of participating in conversation that would turn out to be boring and getting overloaded with sounds. I had the thought; I should start a networking group for introverts. I chuckled. No one would come. Introverts don’t want to gather. We do, though, when we can be comfortable, and no one wants to be uncomfortable. We have a lot to say and we’re interested in sharing. Hence the blog. Let’s share.

I’m not a doctor, a psychiatrist, psychologist or doctor…in fact I’m not a professional expert of any sort. But I am an expert on my personal experience of “discovering” I’m an introvert and then learning how to go on from there. That sounds dramatic, but it was.

No matter if you’re an extrovert, an introvert or in the well-balanced middle, we’re all people who are going through life in our own way. Let’s share our experiences. Maybe in doing so we’ll help make the world a better place, or at least richer for you and me.